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itsablog
call me crazy last modified: Friday, June 08, 2007 (1:20:42 AM) This may amuse romantics of all stripes. Alternatively, you may feel free to simply make retching noises in my general direction. :)
A long time ago I met a girl in a chance encounter. To make a long story short, I liked her very much and she did not like me back. I'm glossing over this because the concept of the girl is more important than the girl herself. Everyone worth knowing probably has one of these people who haunts them from time to time. I have long held the belief that after height no longer determines your age, there's only a few milestones that really age you. There's the obvious ones: marriage, death of a parent, birth of a child, first real job, serious illness, military deployment, etc. One of the non-obvious milestones is when the first person you really want in a way that transcends normal adolescent mischief gets married to someone else. This happened to me today. I stumbled upon the fact that said girl got married a little while ago. It's like getting punched in the gut. I know, of course, that the latent daydream that I would someday run into this girl in the supermarket years later -- and that she would be single and irreversibly charmed -- is total idiocy. But there was always that last sliver of hope, that maybe everything from the past was simply foreshadowing the pleasant surprise of the next act. In the end, the lack of any real surprise at the end of this particular narrative thread sucks all the air out of the room. I did not need to be reminded that life is a series of increasingly more permanent disappointments. I don't really mean to sound so negative. I am really fortunate in a lot of ways. I can't shake the feeling like I'm doing something horribly wrong, though. /whine In the event that said girl ever reads this, I'd like to say one thing: "Gasp! Should we ever meet again in a coffee shop at the end of time, remember that I am up about 20 games to 3 and you have a lot of catching up to do. All the best. Go save the world."
Hang in there Jason. I can completely relate to the emotions you described about the girl you cared for an the daydream you once felt. You are definitely experiencing one of the oddest feelings since young men can experience. It does seem that all glimmers of hope, romance and true love will forever elude your grasp. I wouldn''t count yourself out though... take a page of confidence away from the knowledge all things happen for a reason. It is quite possible the lessons you are learning now are strengthing your character and leading you to the one true woman you are meant to be with. The hopeless romantic that I am refuses to accept any less and encourages you to truly live it up and love with reckless abandon!
This is definitely not just a "whiny" post, Jason... it shows real, deep hurt. I''m sorry for my quick, slap-it-in response on RS yesterday. "You''re only in your 20s! Don''t worry about it" didn''t do justice to the level of your sadness. I apologize. When your feelings and your dreams have been dashed, I think any little pep talk I could give you would sound trite. But hearts do mend with time. And maybe just because I am looking at it from a slightly older perspective (just SLIGHTLY older, mind you! ^_^), you really are still young and have a lot of living yet to look forward to. There is plenty of time to find exactly the woman who will be just perfect for you. I could lapse into the sappy pep talk stuff right about now, but I''ll spare you. ^__^ I hope a good night''s sleep gave you a new outlook this morning and that you are feeling a bit better today. Each day will get a little better. Really, it will.
In the movie American Beauty, Kevin Spacey''s character says at the end that when you die, you get to go back to your favorite moment in life and live there forever. I would like to think that I haven''t seen that moment yet. It''s not really about the girl. She was out of reach a decade ago. It''s more about the idea about the future being uncomfortably close. I skipped over being young and I want a refund.
Jason, Your not crazy your just alive and breathing like the rest of us strange people on earth. Nostalgia can be a curse sometimes but it''s all those memories that make us who we are as a person,We all are trying to reach some form of nirvana in ourself,Very few find true nirvana because our view of it can not be reached by anyone,it''s to high a level. But there is hope like in games the levels can be changed by us to ones we can reach. Reach out a grab life when you can but don''t be surprized if it/she reaches out and grabs you! I wish you all the luck in the world that you find your nirvana. Roy
Hey, Jason ... I''ve read your blog several times, just trying to think of the "right" things to say. You know, something that will help you feel better about yourself and remind you of what a fantastic and talented person you are. The thing is, I''m not sure I can find the words. I really and truly understand what you''re going through. Not so much with regard to losing the "girl", herself, but just the melancholy of a moment that has passed by you ... that you didn''t even realize was there until it was already gone. I had a similar experience. There was a boy I was madly in love with when I was in high school. Really, I would say he was the first boy I ever loved. It was never meant to be. He was much older than me, and only looked at me as one of his little sister''s friends. He got married, and, eventually, I met my hubby (then fiance -- we were engaged for a long time LOL). Anyhow, during my last year in college, I went home for a visit and learned that this boy had been murdered. It''s so silly, since I was in love with my fiance ... and there was no chance for me and this boy, ever ... but, I cried. Really, even today, when I think about him, I cry. It''s not so much that I cry for him, but that I cry for that part of myself ... that youth that is lost forever. I''m not that girl any more, someone who can give her heart away so freely. And, that melancholy ... that feeling of nostalgia ... will never go away. Just, I suspect, as your feelings about this girl will never truly go away, either. As others have said, you''re not doing anything wrong. You''re a living, breathing, caring person. With deep thoughts, feelings, and emotions. In my book, that means you''re doing everything exactly right. *hugs*
You may be right I may be crazy But it just may be a lunatic you''re looking for Turn out the light Don''t try to save me You may be wrong for all I know But you may be right. Billy Joel Regret is an emotion we all face, the old "What If" always rears it''s ugly head. All I can tell you is , life goes on and what your feeling is normal. I can relate the "fun" of going to my 30th HS reunion and seeing all the "hot girls (cheerleader types)" from HS days looking like they had graized 10 acres each in the back forty over the years. simply put, understand that even as time goes on , not very many have had the guts or talent to put together an item that was their vison such as you have done here with Rubberslug. As far as the milestones you talked about , been there done that. I can say truthfully. It''s much more important the impression you have passed on to those who care about you than your expectaions of how things should be. Life has no script , we all stumble blindly though the best you can. Just be able at the end to look yourself in the mirror and ask if you made a difference. You have in my book as well as others here.
No, you aren''t crazy, just human and at least you recognize this as a milestone. There is that one person for everyone, I think. The one we lost or could never quite reach who will always stick in our mind and heart. I doubt you''re doing anything horribly wrong as anyone over the age of twenty five or so can tell you. Unfortunately, this is one of those painful rites of passage into true adulthood. I sincerely wish I had some words of wisdom for you but I don''t. At least not any that wouldn''t sound cliche or trite and I don''t think you need that right now. I do offer you deep sympathy and understanding from someone who''s been there and done that. |
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