why must anime drama suck?

It pains me that narratives in "grown-up" drama anime remains dredged in the land of Sweet Valley High and Encyclopedia Brown levels of maturity. It is getting better, but here's some suggestions for starters.

- Gun-on-the-mantle-rule: If there's a gun in the first act, it should most definitely be fired before the end of the third. Or something like that. Unfulfilled expectations kill dramas. For a good example, please watch Haibane Renmei as I believe it is probably the biggest waste of a fantasy world exposition in modern anime history. Why be mysterious for the sake of being mysterious? Stop trying to be David Lynch.

- Stop beating us over the head with your "Introduction to Philosophy" textbook. I know that maybe having your characters espouse on the meaning of "being" sounds like you're being deep, but it simply doesn't work that way. Try writing a novel if you feel so inclined.

- If you're going to kill someone, kill them dead. Do you know why Final Fantasy VII is so enduring? Because they made people like a character and then they axed her. Simply taking that leap and not worrying about if you're going to be able to merchandise more model kits with new outfits was enough to make the narrative at least somewhat useful. The rest of the game was painfully convoluted, but that one little bit helps it endure. Characters die because they are more useful to the narrative dead than alive. Teasing about killing someone is a lame sucker play. I'd rather watch Adam West as Batman do it.

- Characters should be responsible for what happens to them, not random world events. When something bad happens to someone, it is a valuable chance to make it someone else's fault. Even better if it's a protagonist's fault. The characters -- and their inherent qualities -- should lead to a resolution that is simultaneously unavoidable but unpredictable.

- The-Perfectly-Timed-Phone-Call Rule: Coincidences, with certain special exceptions like Tokyo Godfathers or Magnolia (entire movie based the concept of coincidence), are stupid. No, a girl that has a crush on you is probably not listening in while you confess to a different girl in some remote location. No, your childhood friend is not going to be your sister separated at birth.

- 31-flavors Rule: I know these guy-surrounded-by-girls shows is built for teenage boys, but can we please have some characters that aren't paper thin caricatures of people that the writer had a crush on at some point? I'd pay good money to see one of those shows about a guy living with a bunch of girls where the girls all already have boyfriends.

- Sex, or implied sex, doesn't make a show more mature or hard core. Can you say Gundam Seed? Look, any advantages you gain by having your bio-engineered teenagers screw like rabbits is cancelled out by the fact that you have a Japanese pop idol helming a presumably multi-billion dollar warship. If the fate of nations is being determined by Ayumi Hamasaki, then the Earth Federation, the colonies, and everyone in between deserve mutual anihilation.

If *I* were designing an anime drama, I'd totally sucker punch people. First few episodes would be about cute high school life. Then, at around episode four, you'd find out that the main female character steals pain killers from pharmacies and sells them back to kids at school. The main male character sleeps with rich, old women for money and drugs. His little sister is hospitalized for trying to cut herself. Et ceterea. Et cetera.

Not that this would be any better dramatically, but if it's going to suck, better to make it suck in a sensational, cataclysmic way.